Keira Knightly, that necklace does NOT go with the dress. Also, your hair looks bad.

Jessica Alba, cover the bony parts and stop wearing your hair like a Palm Beach retiree. Also, if you’re not comfortable in the dress, pick another one. You shouldn’t spend ALL your time on the red carpet stomping all over your dress.

Michelle Williams, both of the aformentioned women are goddesses compared to you. If you even have a stylist, fire them. Now. Your dress is the color of Tweety Bird, the hair looks dirty and straggly, and the lipstick, oh god no.

Felicity Huffman is perfection tonight. I’m entirely over George “Overrated” Clooney. Blech. Jon Stewart? Keep to entertainment jokes and we’ll be ok. Delve into politics and I’m out.