Going into the premiere of Stargate Universe, I held three truths: I love the Stargate franchise, David Blue (Ugly Betty‘s Cliff) is awesome, and Robert Carlyle seems like a dick.

Well, after this week, one of my truths is clinging to life while the other two are overstated. With the exception of a few cameos (*Hi, Sam! Hi, Jack, Daniel, Walter!*) and a gate, this is not Stargate. SG-1 and SGA had fun and never really took themselves too seriously. Stargate Universe has no heart, no joy, no interesting characters (yet), and the ones I *thought* would be favorites, quite frankly, suck.

Eli Wallace is played by the aforementioned David Blue. I made the mistake of following David on twitter for a couple of days around the premiere. His constant posting and ranting turned me off so much that now I don’t even think I’ll like Eli that much (not that I cared for the character AT ALL in the two-hour premiere). The other big surprise was how much I wanted Robert Carlyle, as Dr. Rush, to kick everyone’s shins and show them all what’s up. Easily my favorite character of the show, largely because he’s the only one with more than 1/2 of a dimension, but still, a favorite. I’m still not sure what Lou Diamond Phillips’ role is, but I’d like to see more of him, too.

The overacting of two cast members was so atrocious that I can see them being the reason I tune out if they don’t get it together. Jamil Walker Smith is Master Sgt. Ronald Greer and acts like he’s never been on camera before. His pacing and volume elicited laughs and groans during the premiere, and I hope he was only overacting because he was directed to, and not that this is how it’s going to be all the time. Elyse Levesque as Chloe Armstrong was ridiculous as well. First off, she needs bangs. I said it because it needed to be said. Now, she gets a pass because I believe my true annoyance with her truly was script-based. That crying scene went on way too long; literally, MINUTES too long. We get it, she’s sad. We understand. It’s not some foreign concept to be sad if your parent dies. Sad. OK. We didn’t need to see the snotting and the nasal flaring. Sick. She reminds me of ANTM Cycle 5 Winner, Nicole, but with no charm.

Overall, I’m going to watch at least a few more episodes because the two-hour premiere and next week’s episode are actually considered a multi-part arc, but if we don’t get some fun or interest in the characters, I’m out.